In the Month of December Many Jewish Families
Figuring out whether to gloat holidays, and how, is tricky for lots of interfaith families—but thoughtful advice makes a difference
Traditionally, for Christian-Jewish families—or at least in writing about them—the month of December is referred to every bit a "dilemma." This time of year brings discussion about whether to gloat Christmas, Hanukkah, or both, which often centers on one key question: "To tree, or not to tree?"
Of form, interfaith families negotiate these kinds of decisions all year round: Should we observe your traditions, my traditions, both, or neither? On some level, these are questions that any family unit—blood or chosen—has to navigate, even when they share the same religion. But December throws them into high relief for interfaith families, especially the conclusion of whether to put upwards a Christmas tree.
In my piece of work on American religion, peculiarly Judaism, I have spent most a decade researching interfaith families—a topic which interests me, in part, because of my own experience in interfaith families.
At the top of the page: Lots of families wrestle with how—and whether—to celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas (Brianna Soukup/Portland Portland Printing Herald via Getty Images). Above: Whose holidays get celebrated—and how—in interfaith homes? (Thomas Northcut/DigitalVision via Getty Images).
Many people endeavor to make decisions most how to observe holidays by drawing lines around what traditions are "religious" vs. "cultural." But in my interviews, many families say that it is ultimately not what they choose to celebrate, but how they talk about it, that makes everyone feel included.
More multifaith families
What "interfaith marriage" means varies in different historical eras. At moments in American history, a spousal relationship between a Methodist and a Presbyterian would count, although both traditions are Protestant Christian. Many religious groups accept had objections to interfaith wedlock, often couched in worry that growing up in a multifaith habitation would be disruptive or damaging for children.
Later on the peak of Jewish immigration in the early 20th century, the rate of interfaith union was low for the get-go few decades, merely rose as Jewish communities became more assimilated and accepted every bit "American." By the 1990s, an estimated 50% of American Jews married non-Jews, well-nigh of whom were Christian, had been raised in Christian households, or were from secular families who celebrated Christian holidays. The Jewish customs often assumed people who "married out" were "lost" to Judaism.
When Americans Jews started to marry not-Jews in increasingly big numbers in the 1970s and 1980s, there was a huge controversy over whether rabbis should perform their marriages. Initially, some rabbis in the Reform, Reconstructionist and Renewal movements—modernistic Judaism's more liberal branches—decided that they would be willing to, every bit long as those couples agreed to keep a Jewish home. That said, this was not an era of high Jewish observance, so having a Jewish home was often less about Jewish practices similar lighting candles for Shabbat and more well-nigh keeping Christian elements similar holidays out of the home—at least until children were old plenty to go to Hebrew school.
Many people argued that a habitation should not combine religions. As a small minority, Jewish Americans worried that interfaith marriage would hateful a smaller Jewish community. And for some Jews, having elements of Christianity in the home could be painful, given its history of oftentimes oppressing Judaism, and because holidays like Christmas increased their ain sense of being cultural outsiders. Y'all might accept people of multiple religions in that home, they argued, just a Jewish home could not include Christian holidays—and Christmas, representing the birth of the Christian savior, seemed like the ultimate marker of Christianity.
'Culture' vs. 'organized religion'
In this view, Christmas was a religious holiday and the tree was the symbol of a religious holiday, despite how celebrations like decorating, baking cookies and hanging stockings for Santa can be stripped of Christian theological pregnant for many people—including my own Hindu relatives. At the same fourth dimension, however, many religious leaders and advice manuals argued that a Christmas tree was a cultural symbol, non a religious ane, and therefore it shouldn't thing to a Christian spouse whether or not the family put upwardly a tree.
However, "religion" and "civilization" are complicated, debated categories that practice not mean the same affair to anybody. In the U.S., the virtually mutual definition of organized religion is shaped by Christianity—and often, specifically, a form of Protestant Christianity that emphasizes beliefs over almost everything else. In this understanding, religion is mostly about what someone holds in their centre, not outward signs of that organized religion—peculiarly activities that aren't rooted in theology, similar church suppers, Easter eggs or Santa.
But "belief" can't capture a whole tradition, fifty-fifty Protestant ones, never mind other traditions like Judaism. This understanding of "religion" as something separate from "culture" also assumes that somehow "religion" is more important to people.
It does non assistance someone understand why a Christmas tree might feel emotionally primal to a cultural Christian who does not have organized religion, or experience terribly problematic to a Jew even if they empathize that the tree is non part of theology.
Listening with care
Ultimately, perhaps, it is not actually important to use these lines between religion and culture, specially since they are much more complicated than they might appear at first glance.
In my ethnographic enquiry, the families that had the happiest holidays were the families that listened well to each other and felt that everyone'due south voices were heard.
'Conventionalities' can't capture a whole tradition, even Protestant ones, never mind other traditions similar Judaism. This agreement of 'religion' as something separate from 'civilisation' likewise assumes that somehow 'faith' is more of import to people."
For instance, 1 couple took the standard advice to forgo the tree, but decorated with evergreens. This solution did not really satisfy the wife, who had grown upwardly Christian, and bellyaching her Jewish husband. In the end, no one was happy.
By contrast, another couple discussed what mattered nigh to them. The Jewish husband explained that he felt an "allergy" to both Jesus and the Christmas tree. His Christian wife thought about it and came to the conclusion that Jesus was central to her holiday, merely a tree was non. Therefore, they had a nativity scene but went without a tree—in other words, they went with the clearly religious symbol. She appreciated his willingness to let her have Christ in their home; he appreciated that she gave upward the tree.
One Jewish adult female said that her married man's decorations—stockings and a tree—tin brand her feel like it is "all Christmas, all the time," specially when Hanukkah falls early and celebrations are over long earlier Christmas. Only she appreciates that he agreed to raise their child as a Jew, to accept their primary religious community be Jewish, and to attend services with her for the High Holidays and special events. It is difficult for her to have a tree in their home, simply she recognizes that, while her primary compromise comes in December, he has altered his life yr-round.
Other families settled joyfully into doing both, building family traditions out of both heritages. Still other families agreed to give up Christmas at home in favor of fun family vacations, or long visits with Christmas-celebrating relatives.
What made a difference? For these families, my research suggested that it was not what they decided, but how they decided: by listening to each other in a spirit of collaboration and generosity.
These compromises may seem peculiarly challenging in a shared domestic space, which people want to feel like "domicile." Just the basic principle holds true in other environments, as well: listening to loved ones, sharing what matters to us, honoring as much of that every bit possible—and maybe learning to love what our loved ones love.
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
Source: https://www.colorado.edu/asmagazine/2021/12/21/tree-or-not-tree-how-jewish-christian-families-navigate-december-dilemma
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